maeko emailed me the link to an album by her new musical crush anya marina called "miss halfway". it's a fucking good lay of a song if you know what i mean. and i'm sure you do. it just felt so pertanent at this moment, yknow?
i bet you all been wondering where i've been lately after that last dramatic weepy post. i've been seeing someone and when you're having sex on a regular basis and going out and stuff like that you just don't feel like spending all of yer time on the internet. i mean bloggers are a certain breed of people yknow what i mean? we spend all our time on the internet documenting our sorrows our griefs, our rediculous notions passed off as intelligence just because we happen to be "internet journalists" or whatever. i don't care what your beef is. you think you're smarter just because you happen to keep a log of whatever it is you think people will care bout and the only one who really cares about it is you.
which is why i don't bother posting much. i'm off living my life and being happy about it.
there's something creepy about new boy. i'll call him dyme for how we met. we both saw a teensy little coin shining on the street in the winter chill and we knocked heads ducking to pick it up. i hope i don't let it slip that i have a blog or else he'll think i'm some emopsycho. if you didn't see it, people are total freaks and psychoes whenever romance hits. it's an automatic transformation. so back to dyme. he's creeping me out. he's ... normal. there's nothing wrong with him other than that he totally reminds me of my exboyfriend harris. they both play guitar and learned to nirvana but happen to like the old folkish pop lul sound of jack johnson or dave matthews. they like to smoke after sex or over a cup of coffee. they both have a scar on their face somewhere. same cologne.
i am enough of a nuerotic mess for romantic ventures. it doens't help that every relationship i ever get into either has to fall into a dramatic epick mess i can't clean up or they turn into total sociopaths and stalk me or turn all the peole in the club scene against me. jana was like that. she couldn't take that i liked looking at boys at the same time and so she found other ways to make my life hell. she's one of the reasons i don't like hanging out at clubs anymore. that bitch ruined everything. half my friends dropped off the face of the planet after her. you know who your friends are if they choose the prettier girl over you. my romantic life has been one mess after another and another. it's never been pretty. except with harris.
so i know that something had to go wrong with this new guy dyme.
why is it that no romance ever works out for me? something has to fall to pieces. i wasn't ready to move in w/ harris. i wasn't going anywhere with my life and he was on his way to a great great partnership at the lawfirm he works at. i think i heard something from derek who still keeps in touch with harris: harris made junior partner. and he's only 29. he must be pleased. making 6 figures a year and drives a mercedes. he was heartbroken that i couldn't foresee myself living with him and making babies and gearing our relationship toward something more serious like mariage or something. he didn't get it. i'm not a career woman. i'm not going to be a mother. i'm not the kind of girl who can date seriously someone who drives a car that's worth more than i make in a year. he didn't get it. i was an embarassment to everything he stood for and was. i wasn't ready for that kind of step when i wans't good enough for it. so he broke up with me.
i needed him. he made me feel like nothing was wrong with life. he made me feel for once that i had a home. but ... i just couldn't be with someone like that when i wasn't anywhere capable of giving him what he gave me. so he left me.
and after that it was like a bad addiction. i've never been clean and sober from harris. i've never been clean and sober in relationships. i've always left pieces of them inside me. residue. soap scum in my insides. i'm never totally weaned from someone and then the next mess starts. i tried to rid myself of the tracks he left on me by dating several other people after him. it's been two years and i've dated like 8 people since him. the only one who seemed to really put a dent in the addiction to harris was jana and then she turned freakazoid on me. maybe it's me.
so now i meet dyme and he seems so normal. so wonderful. i feel safe near him. and then after a few weeks i see the similarities between him and harris. the addiction starts to set in again. it's not like those stupid fucking movies where you see the face of your loved one everywhere you go, but i see similarities and familiarities in things they do, in things i smell, in things they say.
he says i have nothing to worry about and i feel so secure and protected and then after that the fear sets in that this is harris all over again. that i'm going to fuck this one up again.
marina says that's what's going to fuck it up.
i told you. i've never been clean and sober. never. maybe that's what he likes about me. i'm so fragmented. maybe i'm the kind of girl he needs. the girl that needs a knight to take her away.
anya is a genius.
"i never felt so clean and sober, but i gotta black and blue hangover, darlin for you, darlin i do."
